Outfit Posts: 1/25-1/27 (17-19)

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I gotta be honest with you guys: I’m feeling kind of bummed this week. Nothing big has been going on, just a panoply of little things that have left me feeling crummy and out of sorts. Today it’s some awful, misogynistic comments that I’m coming across while doing my job (misogyny on the internet? you don’t say!)–nothing directed at me, but it doesn’t raise my faith in humanity to an all-time high.

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I’m going to try not to dwell on it, though. I will think of happier times!

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Like when we all went to IKEA and I wore this cute dress (though really, what’s with the weirdly low pockets?) and got some fun new kitchen stuff, not to mention some food. Don’t tell anyone, but I have an extreme weakness for their salmon paste.

Or I’ll think about the MC Frontalot jams that Mike and I have been having while moving our stuff:

It’s true: ain’t nothing like a rap about grammar to restore my good mood.

Outfit Post: 1/22-1/23 (15 & 16)

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Yurg. Like I said yesterday, some of the pictures I’ve been taking have been…experimental and crummy sans flash because the days are still too dang short for it to be light when I get home. Really, I should just get off my sweet lazy can and have Mike help me get the flash and umbrella set up, but instead I feel like whining about it still being wintertime.

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But it’s not even properly wintertime-cold enough for my awesome vest to be appropriate! Cry, cry, weep, wail, and sob. I’ve been fantasizing about summer a lot lately–long evenings, tank tops and shorts, and popsicles. I got a cheapy little set of popsicle molds from IKEA over the weekend (more on that tomorrow) and during my sick day Monday I pinned approximately fourteen thousand popsicle recipes to my Pinterest food board. And yeah, I could just make winter popsicles, but shut up.

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Enough of my complaining, though. Let’s all just stare into Eulalie’s eyes until we feel good again.

Outfit Posts 1/19/13-1/21/13 (12-14 of 30)

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Tee: Goodwill — Long-sleeved tee and belt: Target — Jeans: Trash and Vaudeville (Tripp NYC) — Flats: Thrifted (Born) — Pendant: Hand-me-down — Ring: Gift

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Haircut, haircut! I always feel a great deal more like myself after a haircut, and it’s so refreshing to not have to fuss with it very much. Maybe that means I should get my hair cut more often than every six weeks, but the palpable relief of having the hair off is just about worth an extra week or two of being annoyed with it.

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I still love these PANTS, by the way. I wish they were a little higher-rise, but I feel somewhat resigned to a life of low-rise pants because of my long torso and hip-to-waist ratio. Anybody out there have good recs for high-waisted jeans or work pants that you love?

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Oh unicorn friend, won’t you help me in my quest for pants?

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Also, after getting haircuts, naturally Mike and I went over to the ice cream shop a few doors down to get a snack. I ended up with ube ice cream, made from purple yam–it was really tasty, with a subtle, sweet-starchy flavor, and was waaaaay more purple than this photograph would lead you to believe.

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Sweater: Goodwill — Jeans: Nordstrom Rack — Hat: Macy’s — Flats: Thrifted (Born) — Socks: Target — Belt: Van Heusen

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The hat makes me look a little Boy George-y in the top picture, doesn’t it? Karma chamel-Miaaaaaa…

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I don’t remember what we did on Sunday in the slightest, other than probably packing stuff up to move. We’ve had a warm streak here in California recently (hello there, visible and frightening sign of global warming!), and it was really kind of too pleasant for such a warm sweater, but I wanted to wear it at least one more time in this 30-for-30 since it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting much below the sixties for the next week or two.

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I’ve mostly been doing well in curtailing my shopping–being too busy for it helps–but Mike and I did recently stop at a local outlet mall because the Van Heusen was going out of business and everything was wicked cheap. I picked up a few camisoles, an awesome button-front shirt, and this leopard-print belt, which may be my first official leopard-print anything. Welcome me into the club, people! What sold me is that it’s got adjustable straps in the back, which turned out to be kind of hard to slide but which mean I can change it from hip-length to waist-length with relative ease. Ostensible remixability, ho!

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We had Monday off, of course, and Mike and I took the opportunity to officially sign the papers for our new place and start moving on over! We ended up working late and since my outfit wasn’t anything to write home about anyway (hellloooo, bare legs in January) I just had Mike snap a phone picture of me and moved on. Until I get the flash and stuff set up at the new place there are going to be a lot of pictures like this, but let’s pretend it’s a learning and growing experience, shall we?

Outfit Post: 1/18/13 (11 of 30)

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Top: Goodwill (Wet Seal) — Camisole: Gap Outlet — Slacks and belt: Thrifted — Socks and earrings: Target — Heels: Thrifted (Naturalizer) — Bracelet: Gift

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Greetings, fellow human-approximates. How is this, your basic Earth Monday proceeding?

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I’m home sick today due to some fun stomach activity late last night (or, in Ryan North parlance, I dropped a vom) and will probably spend the day eating jook with extra tummy-soothing ginger and reading this book about North Korea, because I am nothing if not productive on my sick days.

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When I wore this outfit a couple Fridays ago, one of my coworkers asked me if all the red was in support of the 49ers. You’d think they’d know me better by now, but I guess they’re giving the possibility of my having hidden depths the benefit of the doubt. (I think there’s less to me than meets the eye, really.) Because we both have so many coworkers who are into football, Mike and I have taken to using “sports” as a verb, as in the following exchange:

“Did they sports last night?”

“Yeah, they sportsed pretty hard and are all hoarse today.”

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Do you sports? I don’t sports too much, but sometimes I sports with Tito and her dad at soccer games and that’s pretty fun!

Outfit Post: 1/17/13 (10 of 30)

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Jacket and dress: Gift — Tights: Target — Oxfords: Payless — Earrings: Claire’s — Headband: Vendor at FanimeCon

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Ahoy, friends! I am not very good at dates and anniversaries, so this one almost passed me by–but not quite. [Trigger warning for talk about death–no specifics, I promise.]

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A year ago today, Tia and I talked about what it was like to have lived without our best friend for a year, and what she meant to us (and still means). Thinking about the fact that it’s been two years–two years?–since Jessica died makes me feel weird and dizzy. The sadness isn’t as fresh and acute as it was a year ago, but it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

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But, you know, I’m okay. I still think about her a lot, and I have dreams about her which make me sad when I wake up, but I wouldn’t give them up for anything because they mean that I get to have a little more time with her, even if it’s only dream-time. Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with her, tell her gossip or ask her for advice or just laugh about stupid things.

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Like Tia said, it’s a familiar ache. It’s kind of satisfying to probe it a bit, like the raw area where a missing tooth used to be. The remembering is a good hurt, when I think about her possessiveness of me–she didn’t want to share me with Tia, she didn’t want to share me with Mike–and the cheerful way she would slap my arm (hard!) and shout, “OH YEAH!” when she remembered something she wanted to tell me, the way we could always telepathically win at Pictionary (“Stake…? OH, NEVADA!”), the silly drawings and notes we made for each other.

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I do regret that we weren’t adults for more of our friendship, because in the last couple of years our dynamic was changing little by little and I really think that we could have gone out into the world and stabbed it in the heart when things finished changing. But we got what we got, and I think about that last night all three of us–me, Jessica, and Tia–had together in Monterey at a show close to New Year’s, watching a friend of the main act sing a beautiful song about how short and sad life is, and I’m glad we had that.

Remembering

Juuust so you know, it’s that day again where I talk about Jessica and about how I’m coping with her being missing, and where I wonder what the fuck made me think I could get through a day at work like today was just some normal, ordinary day. So if friend-death is a thing you can’t cope with, leave this post, and go check out some kittens.

When I first heard this song when the album dropped last year, I was sitting next to Braden on the couch in my parent’s living room, and we each had one earbud in, and I leaned in to him, and he looked up at me at the end of the song and said “Well, that was a little close to home.” It had been a little less than a year then and I was still crying pretty randomly and not always sure what I was supposed to do about it. There were a couple times that I thought hard about doing greif counseling because Braden suggested that it had been too long for me to still be feeling the lack of her as intensely or unpredictably as I was. I never did go though, and that maybe was a silly choice, but it always seemed so damn strange to me that there would come a time that the feeling was supposed to be less intense and I didn’t really want to hurry it off.

The lack is less painful now, because it’s so normal. I don’t ever forget that nearly half of my shoes were her shoes first, and I think you all know better than anyone how often I wear her chucks (though, admittedly, you don’t know about my new found love of chucks + skinny jeans because I have sucked at outfit pictures for pretty much the entirety of that particular fascination). I’m wearing the Roy Liechtenstein themed ones today, because, well, they are awesome and perfect for this outfit. But I don’t forget that they were hers first, and that I only have them because she isn’t around to wear them. But the knowing isn’t as poignant or painful.

At the end of the wedding, I realized I had never cried. I had been so convinced that at some point, I would just realize she wasn’t there and fall apart. But that is not what happened. I was prepared for her lack, and while I felt it all day, I had been used to feeling it. It wasn’t a new feeling. So I didn’t cry. And it was ok. It wasn’t a bad thing that I didn’t cry, I didn’t even feel guilty. I had felt so much happiness that it was ok. It still is, every day, ok. Whether I do or don’t think about her, it’s ok.

Anyway, hopefully I’ll hook up a flash on my camera again soon and be taking outfit pictures? Instead of just posting stuff that other people have taken of me at dances? Thanks for your patience with my lameness guys. I’m a nerd.