Outfit Post: 1/17/13 (10 of 30)

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Jacket and dress: Gift — Tights: Target — Oxfords: Payless — Earrings: Claire’s — Headband: Vendor at FanimeCon

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Ahoy, friends! I am not very good at dates and anniversaries, so this one almost passed me by–but not quite. [Trigger warning for talk about death–no specifics, I promise.]

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A year ago today, Tia and I talked about what it was like to have lived without our best friend for a year, and what she meant to us (and still means). Thinking about the fact that it’s been two years–two years?–since Jessica died makes me feel weird and dizzy. The sadness isn’t as fresh and acute as it was a year ago, but it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

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But, you know, I’m okay. I still think about her a lot, and I have dreams about her which make me sad when I wake up, but I wouldn’t give them up for anything because they mean that I get to have a little more time with her, even if it’s only dream-time. Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with her, tell her gossip or ask her for advice or just laugh about stupid things.

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Like Tia said, it’s a familiar ache. It’s kind of satisfying to probe it a bit, like the raw area where a missing tooth used to be. The remembering is a good hurt, when I think about her possessiveness of me–she didn’t want to share me with Tia, she didn’t want to share me with Mike–and the cheerful way she would slap my arm (hard!) and shout, “OH YEAH!” when she remembered something she wanted to tell me, the way we could always telepathically win at Pictionary (“Stake…? OH, NEVADA!”), the silly drawings and notes we made for each other.

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I do regret that we weren’t adults for more of our friendship, because in the last couple of years our dynamic was changing little by little and I really think that we could have gone out into the world and stabbed it in the heart when things finished changing. But we got what we got, and I think about that last night all three of us–me, Jessica, and Tia–had together in Monterey at a show close to New Year’s, watching a friend of the main act sing a beautiful song about how short and sad life is, and I’m glad we had that.

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2 thoughts on “Outfit Post: 1/17/13 (10 of 30)

  1. Sending hugs to both you and Tia. I went back and read what you wrote about Jessica. I had to have a little cry because she meant so much to you guys. I don’t get it, not even an infinitesimal amount, but I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you two have your memories and each other to lean on and remember Jessica.

  2. I really like this outfit.

    I’ve dreamt of my mother once (she died more than five years ago). I’m not sure how I’d feel if I dreamt of her often… I hardly ever remember my dreams though, so I would probably find it disquieting. I would always forget the anniversary of her death if it wasn’t for other people. When she died is just not as important to me as when she lived.

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