Outfit Post: 1/26/15

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Sweater: Old Navy — Pants: INC — Boots: Macy’s — Necklace: World Market — Earrings: Leah Staley Designs

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[content warning for death]

Hey, pals!

I don’t have the spoons to write much about it, but I feel the compulsion to send a little thought upwards for Jessica, whose fourth death anniversary just passed on Sunday. It didn’t occur to me on the day of, actually, which feels very strange. I spent most of the day in my pajamas and lazing around, which is actually quite a fitting tribute. I thought about her on the day–I think about her, at least in passing, every day–but the fact of the anniversary passed me by.

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Some part of me must have remembered, though, because I had an extraordinarily vivid dream about her last night. In the early days after her death, most of the dreams I had where she showed up involved an explanation–the hospital made a mistake, it was all a big misunderstanding, they’d brought her back somehow–but usually when I dream about her now, she’s just there. I don’t try to figure out how or why; we just have strange dream adventures. Last night, though, I remember wanting to tell people, let our other friends know, and to tell her everything that had happened since 2011. I thought a few times, maybe this is a dream, don’t be too hasty, but it felt so real. You know how dreams are. I don’t remember much of the rest of it, but when I woke up, I had to check the date.

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I’m not going to make myself feel bad about it, because that’s not a great way to be a functional human being, but it does make me ponder the half-life of grief. Boulet has a small comic story, “The Thread,” that I think about a lot at times like this. Friends. Time. Memory. Threads.

Take care, everybody, and I’ll be seeing you again soon.

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