Sweater: Old Navy — Pants: INC — Boots: Macy’s — Necklace: World Market — Earrings: Leah Staley Designs
[content warning for death]
I don’t have the spoons to write much about it, but I feel the compulsion to send a little thought upwards for Jessica, whose fourth death anniversary just passed on Sunday. It didn’t occur to me on the day of, actually, which feels very strange. I spent most of the day in my pajamas and lazing around, which is actually quite a fitting tribute. I thought about her on the day–I think about her, at least in passing, every day–but the fact of the anniversary passed me by.
Some part of me must have remembered, though, because I had an extraordinarily vivid dream about her last night. In the early days after her death, most of the dreams I had where she showed up involved an explanation–the hospital made a mistake, it was all a big misunderstanding, they’d brought her back somehow–but usually when I dream about her now, she’s just there. I don’t try to figure out how or why; we just have strange dream adventures. Last night, though, I remember wanting to tell people, let our other friends know, and to tell her everything that had happened since 2011. I thought a few times, maybe this is a dream, don’t be too hasty, but it felt so real. You know how dreams are. I don’t remember much of the rest of it, but when I woke up, I had to check the date.
I’m not going to make myself feel bad about it, because that’s not a great way to be a functional human being, but it does make me ponder the half-life of grief. Boulet has a small comic story, “The Thread,” that I think about a lot at times like this. Friends. Time. Memory. Threads.
Take care, everybody, and I’ll be seeing you again soon.