Outfit Post: 9/24/15

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Dress: eShakti — Vest: Thrifted (Ben Sherman) — Sandals: 6pm.com (Enzo Angiolini) — Bangle: Solano Stroll — Earrings: Target

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Got my flu shot yesterday! (That’s the thing you can see on my arm there. I usually like to write something on the band-aid, and this year ended up with “THE POX.”)

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My workplace makes it easy to get a shot–they usually put on a couple of clinics at the beginning of flu season so that pharmacy students can practice their needle-poking skills–but even if you have to make a special trip, I highly encourage you to do so.

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From what I’ve read, this year’s vaccine is supposed to be quite effective, and it’s good to get yourself immunized not just for yourself but also for the safety of people who can’t get the shot this year.

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You’ve probably heard this spiel at least once already, but it’s a subject that’s important to my heart. Jessica’s death was ultimately due to flu complications, and I’d selfishly prefer not to lose more friends that way. So put on something with short or easy-to-roll-up sleeves and go get that shot, eh?

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(You can probably guess that I don’t take much stock in anti-vax points of view for a variety of reasons, and I probably won’t be very interested if anyone brings it up in the comments. Thanks, pals!!!!!!!)

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This Just In: Grief Is Complicated

[Content warning: mortality, sadness. You know the drill.]

Jessica would have turned 27 today. The last birthday of hers that we got to celebrate was five years ago, in Las Vegas with some friends, and I’m glad we did. These days, I tend to think I’m done grieving, but then occasionally I see or hear something and it all comes hurrying back. Not often, but sometimes.

She still shows up in my dreams and things are just like they used to be. In reality, if she were still alive, five years might have brought changes to our relationship that I can’t even picture. Maybe we would have drifted apart. Where would we fit into each other’s lives? If she came back now, what would she think of my life without her?

Most days, missing her is the kind of missing that’s more of a fond nostalgia than anything really painful. We had a good run. Today I’m missing her a little more, though.

Outfit Post: 1/26/15

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Sweater: Old Navy — Pants: INC — Boots: Macy’s — Necklace: World Market — Earrings: Leah Staley Designs

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[content warning for death]

Hey, pals!

I don’t have the spoons to write much about it, but I feel the compulsion to send a little thought upwards for Jessica, whose fourth death anniversary just passed on Sunday. It didn’t occur to me on the day of, actually, which feels very strange. I spent most of the day in my pajamas and lazing around, which is actually quite a fitting tribute. I thought about her on the day–I think about her, at least in passing, every day–but the fact of the anniversary passed me by.

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Some part of me must have remembered, though, because I had an extraordinarily vivid dream about her last night. In the early days after her death, most of the dreams I had where she showed up involved an explanation–the hospital made a mistake, it was all a big misunderstanding, they’d brought her back somehow–but usually when I dream about her now, she’s just there. I don’t try to figure out how or why; we just have strange dream adventures. Last night, though, I remember wanting to tell people, let our other friends know, and to tell her everything that had happened since 2011. I thought a few times, maybe this is a dream, don’t be too hasty, but it felt so real. You know how dreams are. I don’t remember much of the rest of it, but when I woke up, I had to check the date.

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I’m not going to make myself feel bad about it, because that’s not a great way to be a functional human being, but it does make me ponder the half-life of grief. Boulet has a small comic story, “The Thread,” that I think about a lot at times like this. Friends. Time. Memory. Threads.

Take care, everybody, and I’ll be seeing you again soon.

Things I Did Not Buy: For Jessica Edition

[Trigger warning: I’m gonna be a little sad and talk about death today, so bug out if you gotta.]

Today, Jessica would have turned 25. (Who’s Jessica? You can find out here, if you’re okay with reading about a dead friend.) It’s weird to think that I’m older than she ever got to be, and I wonder what kind of person she would be now if she were still around. And I mean, it’s her birthday! What would we have done in the last two years, what would I want to get her for a present? It’s hard to know, but I’m thinking about what I would get her now, as things are, and it’s making me smile.

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Avatar: The Last Airbender aired years before her death, but as far as I know, she never watched it, and I only got into it a few years ago myself. She might like The Legend of Korra a bit better, come to think of it, but I still think she’d like an Appa hat.

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Or maybe I’d get her a marimo! Normally I shy away from gifting live things, but I gave someone a marimo for Christmas and it worked out, so why not? Besides being cute and funny, they need very little care, so she could sleep as much as she wanted and it wouldn’t wake her up for walkies.

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One of the last gifts she ever gave me was a pair of Allosaurus earrings, so how about returning the favor? This designer has an array of amazing dinosaur pins, but this Dorygnathus skull–not technically a dinosaur at all, but close enough–is so crazy-looking all I can think of is Jessica.

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And hey, since I’m fantasizing anyway, I’d give her a Maria Francesca Pepe teeth necklace (modeled here by Shirley Manson)–because when I think of her, I think of scary things. I think of someone who loved the macabre and the creepy, someone who would have eaten this up. I think it’s what she would have wanted.

Remembering

Juuust so you know, it’s that day again where I talk about Jessica and about how I’m coping with her being missing, and where I wonder what the fuck made me think I could get through a day at work like today was just some normal, ordinary day. So if friend-death is a thing you can’t cope with, leave this post, and go check out some kittens.

When I first heard this song when the album dropped last year, I was sitting next to Braden on the couch in my parent’s living room, and we each had one earbud in, and I leaned in to him, and he looked up at me at the end of the song and said “Well, that was a little close to home.” It had been a little less than a year then and I was still crying pretty randomly and not always sure what I was supposed to do about it. There were a couple times that I thought hard about doing greif counseling because Braden suggested that it had been too long for me to still be feeling the lack of her as intensely or unpredictably as I was. I never did go though, and that maybe was a silly choice, but it always seemed so damn strange to me that there would come a time that the feeling was supposed to be less intense and I didn’t really want to hurry it off.

The lack is less painful now, because it’s so normal. I don’t ever forget that nearly half of my shoes were her shoes first, and I think you all know better than anyone how often I wear her chucks (though, admittedly, you don’t know about my new found love of chucks + skinny jeans because I have sucked at outfit pictures for pretty much the entirety of that particular fascination). I’m wearing the Roy Liechtenstein themed ones today, because, well, they are awesome and perfect for this outfit. But I don’t forget that they were hers first, and that I only have them because she isn’t around to wear them. But the knowing isn’t as poignant or painful.

At the end of the wedding, I realized I had never cried. I had been so convinced that at some point, I would just realize she wasn’t there and fall apart. But that is not what happened. I was prepared for her lack, and while I felt it all day, I had been used to feeling it. It wasn’t a new feeling. So I didn’t cry. And it was ok. It wasn’t a bad thing that I didn’t cry, I didn’t even feel guilty. I had felt so much happiness that it was ok. It still is, every day, ok. Whether I do or don’t think about her, it’s ok.

Anyway, hopefully I’ll hook up a flash on my camera again soon and be taking outfit pictures? Instead of just posting stuff that other people have taken of me at dances? Thanks for your patience with my lameness guys. I’m a nerd.